San Francisco

Rewind.

San Francisco Bay to my right and the giant expanse of the Pacific to my left. We are driving northwards on the Golden Gate Bridge. The blue of the sky becomes the blue of the waters. A glimpse of Alcatraz catch my eyes. It seems tiny in the scale of things. We are off to Muir woods to see the giant Redwoods. Apparently, as early as 3000 years ago, native Americans lived in the area and used the abundant Redwood. They have a linear grain that can be easily split making it easy to build houses etc. with.

It is a hot day. The warmth of the Sun touches my arms through the car windows. I turn the air conditioner a notch up. I exit the main road earlier than I should have as I do not understand the American voice on the GPS well. A quiet hamlet of a petrol station, a convenience store and an eatery. The road winds up left towards the hills. Quiet and elegant houses sit in wooded landscape. A man pushes a wheelbarrow and smiles at me.

We stop at a lay by further up on the hills. Lush green hills. I smell burning wood somewhere close by. We are high up. It is cooler. Different from Southern California. A group of walkers say hello. A policewoman on an impressive Mustang drives by. The quiet hills make me anxious. It builds up. I want to go back to the city. To the hotel in Nob Hill, to Chinatown and the tram cars. Hang out around Castro and Mission. I tend to draw energy from people. The quiet of the hills and the motionless green come with with that overpowering feeling of the unknown: the 'where am I' echoes again.

Jane is different. She runs down gleefully on a precarious path or what looks like a path. Her golden hair more gold in the sunshine as she disappears down that path somewhere below. We eventually find our way to the Muir Wood National Park. Cars, hot dogs and ice cream vendors clog the entrance. I don't go in. I wait for her ½ a mile away where the line of car ends. I listen to the radio.

That 'build up' hits my stomach all of a sudden. A child's cry becomes a scream, the DJ's cheerful banter on the radio comes hurling towards me. I get out, I need fresh air. Walk. Walk quicker. Run. Run faster. Passing cars with smiley faces in them. The canvas of green hills and blue skies. I sit on a rock by the road. Eventually the panic passes. I mention nothing to Jane as we drive back to the city. I listen to familiar music back in the hotel room. I am enclosed in the safety of the familiar. I am okay. I am okay to go shopping and browsing in bookshops, watch the street vendors and buskers at Union Square.

Today!

Woke up to heavy snow. One distant farm struggles in exquisite solitude!